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Future Damage

by Not Nearly

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1.
You cut up all your arteries, your heart was full of ink You spilled out onto paper just to tell me what you think Well I kept your little letter with the edges all intact And I leave it in a drawer for when I’m dwelling on the past Never thought twice, who was the one really holding the knife? Do I really want to see what’s hiding underneath? The words under my flesh scream but nobody’s listening Scars we always cover, we’re trained how to suffer Receiving a beating and giving out another And reaching for a meaning, whatever you can salvage To build up your walls and prevent future damage
2.
I said fuck the future, now I’m living in the past Never thought I'd last long enough to face the facts Suspending disbelief, inhaling inspiration Wondering why I’m anxious, answering my own questions Plunge the depths with this pen, ink bleeds under my skin Infinity sign tattooed on my wrist To remind me that I’m never getting out of this Self-defeating cycle, hating everybody's happiness I've gone nowhere slow, failing dramatically Washed up, too old, guess someone has to be Just goes to show some follow and some lead Next year just know I plan on dying in the spring Say you'll live for me, bleed for me, die for me Next year just know I plan on dying in the spring Made a straight line for the pharmacy and put myself to sleep Carefully cutting flat lines (My brain says it wants to die) Planned out my perfect exit, never had the guts to leave Chose to call the hotline (I can only fight it for so long) Carve out your tongue, I’ll lend an ear Keep singing those same old songs nobody wants to hear Happy thoughts kill slow like cancer, keep your head up Maybe you'll get lucky someday, yeah, good fucking luck I can't make it go away, death feels like the only way Don't look back, don't be afraid, nothing matters anyway Cross your eyes out Clench your chest, spiraled thoughts, bated breath, can't keep up What have I done? Make it stop Happy birthday to me, getting older but we're still young Drowning in regrets like a baby in a bathtub And hoping there's no heaven so I never have to wake Get dressed and face the plight of another fucking day Gone nowhere slow, and failing dramatically Washed up, too old, I guess someone has to be Just goes to show, some follow and others lead Next year just know I plan on dying in the spring Say you'll live for me, bleed for me, die for me 'Till we're old and gray and thoughts of death are comforting
3.
Blindfold my eyes, let's pretend this is a lie Back and forth our bodies sway Tethered tempting thoughts, vacate my mind Run away, run away now The mind holds the poison, we’ll pollute within you Scratch the surface, itching to be left alone Let’s try and stow it away for now Let’s not ruin my day Please don’t mind me sir, I’m going away Deceitful mindsets hide the lie Kid in the clouds, you’ve gotta fight it Or maybe you can just get by hiding it Deceitful mind, you’re full of it I’m taking my anger out on the living room couch And the latex makes me think of the favor Lick the paper, send me away Stamp the anger, I’m on my way Now run, go your own way Get away I'm done finding mistakes too late I’m taking my anger out on the living room couch Lying on my back, trying to lose track Of where I am now without finding out how I’ve done the math and the sums don’t match Re-release expertise I made the wall, I will not call Stress relief expertise I made the wall, hoping I’d fall
4.
Big Gas Pack 04:50
I'd give anything to feel that way again, it's all pretend Nervous virgin skin, natural infatuation These things used to excite me, now it's just an addiction Detached lifeless sex, sick dopamine injection Dream of you clean and sober, highs fade and lows get lower We’re dope sick on the floor, I felt your heart beat slower You said you’re fine with dying by my side I wish I could say I feel the same Your pheromones are drawing me in Young and full, but now I am jaded That foul pink is the worst thing I’ve tasted We’re hiding beneath a sweet wet sin Laughing off the long and awaited Ending on everything I hated And as I’m pulled into your perfume dream The feelings fade under the silken sheets Is this what we wanted to grow up to be? (Is this all some kind of joke to you?) Ten years in and we’re getting desperate Your good intentions are weighing me down We’re full of plans but we’re empty handed Your good intentions are weighing me down Is this all some kind of joke to you? I’m not who I wanted to be She didn't even come to see my band, now I'm the stranger in the old white van Your parents said that you should never trust, I guess that all we have to fear is lust He didn’t even come to see my band, and I don't really have a 5 year plan Is this all that it takes to make them swoon? Would you possibly wanna fuck sometime soon? Ha! Good one! If the Earth laughs with flowers we seem to be wilting away Just disgusting fucking lusting for you now I'll conform, I can fill any void that you need Just disgusting fucking lusting for you now Tension forming, come and fill your void with me Razorblade bracelets Blood in the blanket One foot in the grave, one stuck in the pavement Watching the world pulled up in the gravity Leave me behind clawing up at the sky to breathe If this is all a joke I'm not feeling inclined to laugh it off Pink cloudy head, never getting where I would like myself to be
5.
I don't want to die Not here, not now, in this hospital bed Stay here by my side So much harder to let go of the thread Never losing hope Hospice walls talk, coax me into sleeping Never letting go Weaving my thoughts, close my eyes and agree Licking my wounds ‘till my blood’s running grey This world is not your friend, mind is begging for the end Getting harder to pretend, body's giving up again In spirit we're connected and skipping through the stations To witness the menagerie of our own creation I'm fragile on the inside, time only knows my weakness I'm lured to the bitter end with promises of sweetness My body is a vessel from consciousness to death Manifesting over decades and lifeless in a second Kill ourselves in rapture, get to heaven faster You're sick and it cures you, you're not and it makes you The fear in your brain and the places it takes you Not what you're thinking, never that easy Exit’s an entrance, never escaping Depression suppressing, you're not addressing The fear in your brain that you're never expressing Festers inside you, happily guides you Paths of destruction, cruel world provides you Do not trust a soul in this world Live your precious life, keep this problem quiet Share love like a well, keep your pain to yourself (I don't want to die alone) Live your precious life, keep this problem quiet Share love like a well, then fucking drown yourself Don't wanna know (Desperate to feel anything at all) What happens when I stop breathing? What happens when my heart stops beating? If I lose myself completely Don't wanna know, never Oh mighty landlord, evict me from this body All the sand falling downward, the pain branching outward, accepting and regretting I don't want to die Stay here by my side Never losing hope Never letting go Everybody suffers alone in the end
6.
Damaged 06:00
Am I losing control again? I think I suffer ‘cause I think too much Too scared to face my final failure, debate if I’m to blame Sometimes I let this heavy heart drag me down (Arrogant temperament, you’re so jaded) The will to live, the strength I can’t find, wouldn’t it be lovely just to die? (Self destruct and bury love with hesitation) The way I feel, the words escape me, my psyche takes the beating There’s a silence becoming me as I’m spiraling down Father, I’ve come to know your pain I am a surrogate for your anguish And time passed, you laid yourself to waste I can’t pardon your language Hate my love for you Adjusted to the casual abuse, we’re lost without it Your hands around my throat, grasping, painful cry for help Dreaming of cutting my veins out, Wrap my corpse in the sheets I hate my love for you, hurts more than you’d imagine (I don’t deserve this) I hate my love for you, and we were only starting to atone Damaged, but I love you still
7.
Hold up, you can't go out the front door alone Speak with nothing to say Please don’t leave this home alone A lone prey, painting you grey A sidewalk with a face and footsteps etching out what happens next If I may, I’ll slip into your mind and paint the fear inside of you Under the bed, or in the basement Filling the spaces and blurring the faces The feelings spread, taking you places, beginning to feel like the end Never waking up Your mind is merciless and meant to break your trust Sweet sanguine sertraline dreams No relief found at the end of the tragedy Contemplate dying, take a pill and go back to sleep Yeah, go to sleep Stare through the glass, and pick out your favorite My fears have been calling so I’ll entertain them Surrounding the house, the framework’s collapsing Never sustainable, always relapsing I’m tired of living, I’m terrified of leaving Anxiety swells as the medicine’s screaming “Hold up, you can’t go out the front door alone” Administered love, self destructive embraces Retracing my footsteps in circular paces When you break down my door and I’m drinking alone Automatic apologies are climbing up my throat With that poisonous rain, it just pours, and I pour ‘Till my head is a cloud crying back onto the floor Wake up, how did I ever make it back here alive? Still have nothing to say for myself at all, just whatever it takes to escape A lone prey, painting you grey I am the predator eating myself alive like a snake The jaws expand around me, sink deep, taste the blood while my vision’s blacking out Go to sleep
8.
What am I supposed to say? Maybe this will take away the pain Or will it stay? (Will it stay forever?) You played it off with pretty words And looking back, it all feels like a blur You struck a nerve (What happens now?) Reflect the glass and take me to the past I’ll wire myself right this time Bullshit accusations Gaps in fabrications Bullshit conversations Filling in the spaces Bullshit accusations Broken bleeding faces Bullshit conversations Test my fucking patience Panic attack I think that he’s just overreacting Pills to relax I’m not him, I’ll never be Panic attack I think that he’s just overreacting Try to relax I don’t get why As you stand there in front of me, your eyes are absent And I felt my heart stop dead I felt my heart stop dead As you stand there in front of me, your eyes are absent And with every word you said, I felt my heart stop dead Burn down the bridge, save all you can, make it out And they’ll carve their own way And expect us to follow But don’t expect me to stay Don’t expect me to swallow the bullshit you’re feeding me You can’t expect me to swallow the poison you’re feeding me I’ll die if I swallow, my body will hollow
9.
Walking aimlessly with you You said “don’t forget this feeling” I'll be out of town for work soon, and you’ll be at home sleeping Nothing much to dream about, nothing like we imagined Drove out 20 hours, played a show for 3 kids, made 65 bucks divided by 7 ‘Cause I’m pathetic, I’m alright Yeah I’m a failure, wasting life What are the odds we make it home alive this time? (And every time I try to claw my way out, you pull the string around my ankles back down, treading the water, raining harder now, so stick around, watch me drown) It’s not a mistake if you make it twice It's worth the pain if it gets you high I’m not arrogant, I hate my life I’m pathetic, you were right Smoke ‘till there’s no air, drink until I don’t care Can’t fear the future if I never get there Pull out my teeth in a fever dream I sing suicide notes disguised as poetry Nothing you can do to save me now I picked the derelict bridge but keep looking down Because I know I’ll never make it but I'll still be proud So just stick around, watch me drown Broken bridge, falling down Hold your breath, let it out Heavy rain, harder now Stick around, watch me drown Pull the string, drag me down Broken wrists, reaching out Surface getting farther now Stick around, watch me drown
10.
I haven’t felt for a long time I’d take my life but it’s not mine I’ll sift through this gallery of photographs and memories And desperately search for an answer And I hate the way you look through me Here’s full transparency; I hate myself more than I loved you And every time you tried to help I wished that I was someone else I hate myself more than I loved you Turn around, you tower me, shadowing my everything If that’s what you want then it’s alright And I’ll smoke all of the pain away until you think that I’m okay If that’s your grand scheme then it’s alright I’ll dig a hole until my arms go numb, watch the earth pile up If that’s what you want then it’s alright You’re forgetting me, our memories are worthless things you’ll never need ‘Cause that’s what you want and it’s alright If that’s what you want then that’s fine You notice every move I make Watching closing for the moment that I break Into flaws like fragments I can’t mend Pick myself apart until there’s nothing left There’s something about me I can’t help I’m mint condition in the box right on your shelf But you won’t take me out and hold me I’m just there in case you’re lonely (I’ve been accused, I’ve been accosted, I was amused, now I’m exhausted)
11.
Tomorrow 06:50
Strangers now, but we’ve always been You never knew me Not at all, maybe slight, not completely I’m not selfless, I know that well, could you see the guilt inside me? Your tired eyes begged for death (Can’t imagine the fear) Could barely move or turn your head (Never thought I’d end up here) Tomorrow will be a better day, tomorrow you’ll feel better Fucked up now like we’ve always been I was an anxious little boy Spinning drunk, in your bedroom, beside you I was reckless, I still am now, could you see yourself inside me? I see the light approaching now (Can’t imagine the fear) Intangible and blaring sounds (Never thought I’d end up here) And all I’ve done in my life is wonder when it ends Could never shake the feeling away Tomorrow will be a better day, tomorrow you’ll feel better, I swear I’ll try my best to shine when you can’t make light of this situation I’ll pick up all the pieces when your heart is broken down (Try my best to shine down for you) I went to Williams, but I didn’t bring your ashes like you asked and I still bite my fingers, and I still have that awkward nervous laugh and you live on in your family’s pain, that empty chair on the holidays, in your convictions and your shame, in broken picture frames Tomorrow will be a better day, tomorrow you’ll feel better (Steady my hand and smear my blood on the canvas, Swallow the pain until I can’t fucking stand it, fall through the cracks with everything I’ve been handed, bury emotions to prevent future damage)

credits

released December 17, 2021

Co-Produced (with NN), Engineered, and Mixed by Johnny Natoli & Cory Spotts
Mastered by Mike Kalajian at Rogue Planet Mastering
Photos, Videos, and Booklet by Matt Cardinal (@bird_sounds)
Logo design by Charlie Scott (@charlesscottcreative)

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Not Nearly Phoenix, Arizona

Arizona Post-Hardcore/Emo with Math chunks and Prog Rock swirls.

Coba - Bass, Vox
Tanner - Guitar
Johnny - Guitar, Vox
Ben - Drums

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